I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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