I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
