I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
