the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
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you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
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I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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