i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
