dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
