it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
