I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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