I just threw up on my dentist
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
