That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
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