Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
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Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
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Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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