I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
