Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
