i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
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