The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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