we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
