chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
