I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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