I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If I die, sorry about rent.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
