Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
