I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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