oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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