Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
