I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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