Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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