the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
