You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
