also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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