These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
