I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
