I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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