i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
