she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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