My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
