You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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