Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
