Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
