So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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