So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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