There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
When did angry sex become our thing?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
