So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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