please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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