i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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