my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
