I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
