Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
