I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
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i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
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I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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