she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just gargled with NyQuil
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
