I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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