I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i love accidental penises.
high people should be assigned attendants
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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