Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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