My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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