1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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