Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
