do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
