More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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