gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
