i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
