I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
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just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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